A collection of short stories and journalistic commentaries depicting my simple life
and how I fit in with the modern day universe of our times


In the days of old, when the knights were bold, and toilets weren't invented... Yes when I was growing up... There was only a couple of products I can remember being marketed as ‘diet foods’. They were Nimble and Slimcea loaves of bread. In fact, if you were sitting here with me now, and I was feeling particularly acrimonious towards you, I could sing you the soundtracks of their TV ads all the way through.

Fast forward now by about 30 years and there are now hundreds (if not thousands) of diet related foods, potions, drinks and tablets on offer. And guess what?

We’re all getting fatter than ever before!

When I was at school, the fat kids (including me) could be counted on the fingers of one hand. They had a torrid time, and I’d imagine like me, they have carried the scars of PE lesson humiliation well into their later life. At least, these days, the fatties aren’t so isolated - because they’ve got plenty of company.

It doesn’t take a genius to work out that something doesn’t quite add up here. And a great deal of time money and effort has been spent trying to find out just exactly what it is.

Because nobody is ever to blame for anything anymore, a lot has been made of the role of a so called ‘fat gene’. The fat gene and his ugly sister 'Big bones' is great news for your average bloater because he can now simply carry on eating, secure in the knowledge that his resemblance to Michelin Man’s portlier brother is now beyond his control.

Sadly for our Mr Blimp though, this is something of a red herring. If there is such a thing as a fat gene, it will have existed back when Nimble was flavour of the month and we were all relatively slim. That’s the thing about gene’s you see… they’re passed from generation to generation. I’m no scientist, but I do know that much.

So, if there’s a fat gene now, there had to have been a fat gene then. And yet we were not as fat! The obvious conclusion then, is that we’re getting fatter because of something we’re doing. It’s not because of a gene. In other words… steel yourself now, because you might not be able to comprehend what I’m saying at first…

We have to take responsibility for our own blubbery bodies.

Well I suppose we already do up to a certain point. But you see the combination of confusing (and conflicting) advice from the so called food and diet experts, together with the burgeoning output from a multi-billion pound processed food industry has rendered most of us unsure about what we should and shouldn't be eating, and uncertain of the nutritional value of what we’re being sold.

And with that in mind, I would now like to share with you some very simple rules I came across this last month or two, while giving up smoking of all things, which I reckon would do an enormous amount to solve the problem if we all lived by them:

Eat food by all means, but stop before you’re full.

Don’t eat anything your great grandmother wouldn’t recognise as food.

Avoid those products made from any ingredients you can’t pronounce.

Eat the so called ‘bad’ foods only as often as you are prepared to fully cook them yourself.

Hide your television remote and turn your heating down.

And finally, I can’t resist adding one more piece of advice from Billy Connolly of all people…

Never eat anything that comes in a bucket!

So there you go, I reckon if we all made a stab at following those few basic rules, the obesity epidemic would be all-but over in next to no time at all. And the diet guru’s would be forced to drag their scrawny arses (as you see I’m completely non-discriminatory in my insults) down to the job centre.

Seriously though, If losing weight and getting in shape is what you truly desire, I implore you to follow my revolutionary new diet techniques and watch that weight simply fall off. Oh and don’t forget to tip me for the assistance in my words of wisdom. 

After all, I’ve probably just saved you thousands on liposuction, tummy tucks and dietary supplements.

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Its my own fault really, its all about what I see in the world, and how it all translates for me.

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