A collection of short stories and journalistic commentaries depicting my simple life
and how I fit in with the modern day universe of our times


From their boots to the tops of their heads, these two men sit in the car, as if they just got into a fight, racing down the country road. Toby is driving while Nick sits in the passenger seat. Toby is smoking a cigarette, and Nick is looking up at the sky. Toby looks over at Nick, and then at his dirt stained clothes, every few seconds he looks back at the road to see where he is going.

Toby looks at Nick and says, "Are those new?" Nick looks over and says with an attitude, "Yeah, why?" Toby sighs and shakes his head, and then takes a long drag from his cigarette. He takes small drags in-between every few words, "How much did you spend on them clothes?" Nick gives him a confused look, "Around $120 dollars probably, what's the big deal?" Toby throws out his cigarette and lights another, "Look, we are burying a dead guy out here. We can never wear these clothes again, so consider that money down the drain, dumbass."

"Well why the hell can't we just wash them?" Toby looks over at Nick like he is stupid, "You're wearing these clothes while you're burying that fat motherfucker back there, so we are going to burn them. Don't you watch those crime shows? If they find the tiniest little speck of blood on anything, we are fucked." Nick starts to move around in his seat, "Well, why the fuck didn't you tell me before I bought all this shit?"

"Because I didn't think you were going to shop for clothes to bury a dead guy in." Nick starts to get angry, "Well, what about the damn car?" Toby slows the car down and looks at him, Nick mutters, "Are you going to drive it off a cliff or something?" Toby slows down further, "I am going to wash it, Nick."

"What the fuck man, why can you wash your car, but not our clothes? This doesn't make any sense." They sit in silence for the next five minutes. Nick is getting a little antsy and frustrated with Toby not answering him. He looks over at Nick and notices that Nick is tapping his fingers on his knee. "Listen, the body is just in the trunk. It's not touching anywhere else. You, on the other hand, will be digging with your clothes on, and you will get dirt all over everything. Hence, the difference."

Nick looks over at him, "I don't see one fucking difference there." Toby laughs a little and with a smirk says, "Oh, there's a difference." Nick was silent once again. Toby looks over at him, and Nick says, "What if I don't wear the clothes when I bury him?" The smile quickly fades, "What the fuck are you going to wear? I'm not helping a naked retard bury some dead fat fuck. Fuck that shit." Nick folds his arms and stares out the window. Toby makes one last remark, "Jesus man." They ride in silence, neither of them making eye contact.

Nick says, "Asshole." under his breath. "Hey, I'm not the one who buys stupid worthless shit all the damn time. Remember that Luke Wilson cut out you got?" Nick sits up in his seat offended, "That was from Idiocracy, and it was a solid steal." Toby shook his head, that was the most unless piece of shit he had ever bought. Nick looks over and says, "When we bury him... I'll wear my underwear." Toby looks at him in disgust; he does not want to see Nick in his underwear, "No... God no. You're wearing the fucking clothes." Nick slams his hands down on the dash and yells, "This is fucking bullshit!" 

"Will you get off the fucking clothes bullshit? Jesus Christ, we are here, now shut the fuck up with the clothes, or I will bury two bodies tonight." With that, Toby parks the car and shuts off the engine and they get out of the car. Stretching, the two make their way to the trunk where Toby hands Nick the keys and tells him to open it. "What the fuck, why do I have to open it?" Nick looks back at Toby, "In case he is still alive and lunges at us with some sort of instrument of death." Nick throws him the keys to the trunk, "Again, I pose the questions, why do I have to open the fucking thing? It's your car."

Toby throws the keys back at Nick, "You killed the god damn guy." Nick angrily throws the keys at Toby's chest, "You shot the fucking arrow and threw me the bow!" Toby gives him a disapproving stare, "Fine, I will open it." Nick walks to the backseat and hands Toby a wooden baseball bat, and shrugs his shoulders. Slowly, and nervously, Nick slides the key into the hole in the trunk and turns. It unlocks, and Toby roars a war cry as he raises the baseball bat to the air, cracking the bumper with lightning speed, and then, "Nick... "

"Yes?" Nick is on the ground sliding out from under the car Toby looks at him, "Where the fuck is his body?" Nick climbs out of the dirt and looks in the trunk, in utter shock, "Oh shit, he is a fucking zombie, brain eating and all, holy fuck!" Toby taps him on the back of the head with the baseball bat, "He isn't a zombie you dumbfucker. You forgot the fucking body." 

They both got in the car and start to head back. About twenty minutes later they are back in the car. "Are you sure about the body this time." Toby shakes his head, "I don't know how about you stick your head in the trunk and look?" Nick looks around at the surroundings and he looks confused, "This isn't the same way we came." Toby looks back at him in an even more confused look, "What do you mean?" Nick rearranges his crotch and looks around, "I mean, it took us ten minutes to get there and it has been about 21, and we don't know where the fuck we are." Toby looks to the rear-view mirror, and notices a car turning off down the road. "Don't you worry about that, I am a professional, just keep your mind at the task in hand, digging that fat motherfuckers hole." Nick shivers and Toby looks over at him in disgust, "Listen, about this. Can we just dig somewhere else, cemeteries creep me the fuck out man."

Nick looks out the window and something catches his eyes, and he grabs hold of Toby. "Stop the fucking car." Nick seems scared. Toby stops for him. Nick points out the window and Toby looks, "You've got to be fucking with me." Nick's face is now serious, "We can bury him here, and it’s perfect. No one will ever know." Toby finally cracks, "Fine, you get the shovels I want this over with."

They stand, Toby with a cigarette in his mouth and Nick holding a shovel. They are both shaking their heads. The body is lying behind them, bloody in the white sheet. Nick drops the shovel on the fat fuckers head. They walk up to the colourful playground and Toby points, Toby begins to dig. Nick carries the body over and throws him next to the ground, "Holy shit that is one heavy fucker." Toby laughs a little under his heavy breathing, "Yeah, well, grab the shovel Terminator. We need to finish digging and put dirt over him, before sunrise.

"Jungle gym huh? What if a kid starts to dig here?" Toby starts to climb out of the hole, "Won't happen." Nick doesn't look very convinced. "How do you know this one?" Toby throws the shovel into the hole, "Shut up and shovel, or I'll shovel your face."

Forty-five minutes later...

Toby is sitting on the top of the jungle gym, kicking his feet, and smoking a cigarette. Nick lay on his back in the hole, it is break time. "Who knew digging a hole would be so much work." Toby nods in agreement. "Do you think its deep enough?" Nick says looking up towards Toby, "Baby, if we were any deeper we would be eating rice." They both laugh hysterically at this. 

Toby leaves to get the body, and Nick attempts to get out of the hole, but it's too steep. "Alright, help me outta here Toby." There is no answer, he starts to get scared. "Toby... Toby, get me the fuck out of here!" There is still no answer from Toby. "TOBY!" The body comes tumbling down into the hole, head first, almost smashing into Nick. Toby peaks his head over the edge of the hole, "Heads up."

They leave the children’s playground, Toby smoking yet another cigarette; Nick is sleeping in the passenger seat beside him. Toby looks over at Nick, waking him with his words, "Hey." Nick wakes up and rubs his eyes he mutters his next word, "Yeah?" Toby looks into Nick’s eyes and starts to smile, "We should do this again sometime soon."

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