2 years ago
God looked down into the sink before him and wiped his hands free of dish water. Staring solemnly into its murky depths as the water swirled, He looked about for his wife and with no sign of her; he parted the water in the sink. He chuckled a moment before relaxing the water back into its natural state.
“I know what you just did there!” Came a voice from the depths.
God rolled his eyes and continued washing the dishes as his wife, Satan came into the kitchen ‘tsk, tsking’ at him all the while.
“It’s when you pull shit like that that we get into trouble” she hissed.
God merely sighed and answered, “Yes dear.”
Satan and God had been married now for what could only be called an eternity. She couldn’t remember the last time she ever looked at another celestial being or one ever looking back at her and life with her husband God had settled into one long ass day of perpetually mundane activities.
She had come to accept her life was pretty much a petty existence and hated the fact she now spent very long hours playing Sudoku or other crossword puzzles while her husband tried to perfect humanity.
What was she to do when he had his hobby? She often asked herself.
She admitted very early into the marriage that she was just a little jealous of the time he spent with humans and often tried to lead them astray but then, they always managed to pull themselves back out of it, even if only by the skin of their teeth.
Satan sat and watched her husband finish the dishes. Why he didn’t just ‘think’ them done was beyond her, but he felt he’d learnt something from humanity over the eons and enjoyed doing these simple tasks himself. Washing dishes, gardening, fixing the car, it was all very odd. But then, he was a very odd being.
God dearly loved his wife. He loved her too for her constant nagging and bitching. Because without those he’d probably go and do something really stupid like create an alternate Earth where the beings were all goldfish and only lived their lives to become the highest civil servants that their governmental system would ever allow.
God chuckled at the thought. He reminded himself to keep that idea for later, he might get a chance to do it one day. And at the rate humanity was going these days; it might be sooner rather than later.
Yes he loved his missus dearly, but despite that, some days he just wanted to shove her in a cupboard and seal it up with cement. And today was close to being one of those days.
Well God finally finished his dishes and decided in order to break from his current mood of disquiet, a lovely chocolate cake would do wonders for them both. After all, it was sinful enough for them both to enjoy, but not so sinful that he would have to punish himself with a thousand hail Marys later on. So once again he got to creating.
Now in comparison to the Earth only taking six days to create, he had this divine little masterpiece whipped up in next to no time, and serving it with huge dollops of cream, he handed a plate to his wife.
“And they call me the evil one!” she quipped.
God just winked at her and mouthed ‘love you’ as he quaffed another huge spoonful of his heavenly chocolate cake.
Meanwhile, God’s omnipresent computer whirred away in quiet desperation. It really needed him to see the new message that had come in, but God was still otherwise occupied cleaning up large amounts of cream he had haphazardly squished into his soft white beard now decorated with crumbed chocolate cake.
And so it just blinked “you have one new message” repeatedly, for... what else could it really do?
God knew the computer was grizzling but he also knew that if he didn’t get that cream out of his beard it would soon go off and smell ghastly. And no one wants a stinky God.
As he passed towards his computer, he patted it gently.
“I’m coming, I’m coming” he cooed.
The computer settled down somewhat. Finally dabbing the last bit of cream out of his beard, God sat in front of his computer, clicking the screen into life.
“YOU HAVE ONE NEW MESSAGE” It announced clearly.
‘Yes and that message is... ?’ God asked of his faithful machine.
Opening it up, God found an advert with the words in large bold print: “DO YOU NEED TO INCREASE YOUR PENIS SIZE?”
He grizzled, certain that his wife Satan had been playing with his settings again and screwed with his firewall. He immediately hit the ‘Obliterate’ button. All other computers only had ‘delete’ but only God had ‘obliterate’ on his. One click... and it was done. Everyone involved in that single transaction was to be heard of or seen no more.
“Oh Honey?” God yelled across the room from his desk.
There was just that tiny hint of annoyance. Satan was good at picking up nuances like that.
“YES MY LOVE?” she screamed back. There was no way in hell she was going to cower to him, God or not.
“Darling, could you remember to please not touch my settings when you’re on the computer?... please?” God wailed back down the hall.
“OH I SCREWED UP THE SETTINGS? AGAIN? OH SORRY MY LOVE! WON’T DO IT AGAIN!” she retorted, knowing full well she would do it again as indeed did he.
And as she sat laughing to herself, God could only sigh and pet his computer.
“It’s okay, I don’t blame you at all” he whispered and the computer hummed calmly.
“JESUS CHRIST!” God yelled, not knowing what to do for the best.
“JESUS CHRIST!” God yelled, not knowing what to do for the best.
“Yes father... what?” Jesus poked his head around the door to see his father fiddling on his computer.
“There you are my boy” he said, “I have a bit of a problem...” He started.
Jesus eyed his father and then the computer.
“Lord, why do you let her on your computer when you KNOW she’s only going to screw it up?”
Jesus took his father’s place and checked over the settings, reset set them all again. He looked over at his father.
"I love you son, you really are the best" he grinned a big cheesy grin.
Jesus rolled his eyes again mumbling "You love everyone, you crazy old coot” under his breath. And with that, Jesus went back to his room to complete yet another level of World of Warcraft. His own personal computer complaining bitterly of overuse, but Jesus kept on playing anyway.
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