A collection of short stories and journalistic commentaries depicting my simple life
and how I fit in with the modern day universe of our times

MEET THE WIFE




Kids can really annoy me sometimes. They really can. Okay, so mythical creatures like Santa Claus and the Easter bunny give people a good reason to throw away money or make egg farmers rich. However, there is one creature I highly despise and that is none other than the tooth fairy. I mean seriously – she disgusts me. She breaks into people’s homes, raids children’s rooms, and steals their teeth of all things. Uck! Well no more. I’m going to destroy her once and for all.


It all started on a nice wet and windy Tuesday afternoon. I jotted down some notes from the internet, relating to the tooth fairy. I had seen her plenty of times, sneaking into homes. Oh and get this, she’s a blonde too. No wonder she touches people’s teeth!

After I gathered all of the collected information – about fifty post it notes in all – I sat them in a stack on the table before me.

“Just you wait,” I muttered. “I will catch you.”  My younger sister had just lost a tooth; so as a result, I saw this as a rather perfect opportunity to ensnare the villainous wench.

“The tooth fairy’s coming tonight! She really is!” my eight-year-old sister, Caroline, chanted as she burst through the door, free of the woes of school for the day.

I smirked. “Yeah, yeah, squirt – just make sure you don’t over excite yourself.”

“I won’t,” she said and then scurried off.

That night, after my parents and Caroline were busily sleeping, I set up a clever net trap. Oh, you may have guessed this wasn’t an ordinary net. It was equipped with a radiation detector, because the tooth fairy’s wings emit small waves of nuclear energyapparently. That aside, the device also recognized my sister as being an ally. Who would have known the internet sold such convenient devices?

At midnight, the window suddenly opened and a blonde woman with glowing wings crawled in through it. I grinned. Since when did a magical being have to use the window? Was she drunk – no… she was a blonde. And right on cue, my net caught its prey.

“Ouch!”

“Having fun in there?” I snickered. The tooth fairy, on close inspection, quite frankly, looked no older than me.

“Let me out of here… please?” she pleaded.

“No way,” I said. “Your horrid days are finally at an end. You’re my prisoner now.”

I dragged the net, with her in it, all the way to my room. Man it was a lot of work – what did she eat anyway?

“So what’s your name?” the tooth fairy asked. She was chained to a leg of my bed by then. Why was she asking such a question during her most dangerous hour? Was she fearless or something?

“Shut up,” I growled, “Stupid tooth hoarder.” She blinked at me twice with those gormless looking bright blue eyes and her wings fluttered.

“I’m hungry,” she whined.

“Will you shut up?” I grabbed a bottle of Extreme Hand Sanitizer and bathed her hands. She’d probably touched millions of rotten teeth so I didn’t want to take any chances in case of any possible airborne diseases. “It’s one in the morning. I suggest you keep your mouth closed and avoid waking everyone up, for your own sake.”

She stuck her tongue out at me. “You still haven’t told me your name.”

I ignored the tooth fairy and pulled a book from my dresser called, Ways to Destroy the Tooth Fairy. She didn’t even look nervous.

“Am I allowed to sleep?”

“What?”

“Well, I see you’re holding a book. Are you like going to give me homework and tests and stuff?”

I stared at her blankly. “Why are you still talking?”

She raised her hand as if we were in school.  “Yes? Wait – no, idiot, just stay quiet and remain still. Okay?”

She smiled. I frowned and then tuned back into my book. Every minute or so, I would look up and there she was, staring back at me. It was creepy. Really, really, creepy. A blonde half-brained tooth fairy, who steals children’s teeth for a living, was staring at me, and it was not a pleasant feeling. This was the equivalent of being face to face with a criminal. After fifteen minutes, I couldn’t take the staring anymore.

“WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?” I yelled. Suddenly, I heard the switch of my sister’s room click on. Oh crap. I glared at the tooth fairy. “Stay quiet if you know what's good for you.” 

Her face brightened up. She wanted to scream, “yay.” I could tell that just by glaring at her. As expected, my sister knocked on my door.

“Big bro, are you okay in there? I heard screaming.”
            
“No, I’m fine,” I lied back, “just a nightmare.”

“Can I come in? I want to tell you something.” Not good. I felt myself running around in circles. Finally, my eyes caught contact with the wardrobe.

“Quick, get in there,” I whispered.

“Okay, but could you uhm… release the chains?”

My eyes fell to the chains on her legs. I quickly unlocked them and shoved the tooth fairy into the wardrobe.

“Just stay quiet,” I reminded her.

“How long do I have to...” I closed the door before she finished the sentence. And after hiding all my tooth fairy destruction books, I opened the door for Caroline.

“What took you so long, Andrew?”

“It’s one in the morning, squirt. Give me one good reason why I should move at any speed faster than a turtle.”

Caroline laughed.

“So what’s bothering you, pipsqueak?” I asked her.

She frowned. “Well… the tooth fairy hasn’t shown up yet.”  I nearly choked. “Do you think something has happened to her?”

There was a small sneeze. I froze.

“What was that?” A surprised look overtook Caroline’s face.

“Nothing,” I quickly said, while trying not to curse the tooth fairy under my breath. “Nothing at all. Look, the tooth fairy will come, but not when you’re awake – she takes a lot longer when people are awake.”

Caroline gasped, notifying me instantly that the fish had taken the bait. “Hurry.” I guided my sister back to her room. “She’s waiting for you to sleep.”

When I finally put her to sleep, I slugged back into my room, ready to focus on the matter at hand: finally destroying the tooth fairy so I can get into my own bed for some well deserved sleep of my own. (No, I’m not totally insane; I’m just a boy of reality…. I think.)

The tooth fairy was on my bed, fast asleep. I balled my hands into fists in order to prevent myself from exploding with more anger than I had done already. My sheets will have to be burnt now, but I’ll focus on that later. I shook her as hard as I could, but she didn’t wake up. Furious, I darted into the bathroom, filled a glass with water, ran back into my room and splashed it on her face. She still didn’t wake up. Was she dead? Urgh, in my bed? – I could never sleep there ever again. However, if that was the case, at least I wouldn’t hear her annoying snoring any more.

“Wake up!” I snarled. And surprisingly, she did.

“So, your name is Andrew?” she said softly. Just then, a puzzling thought smashed into my head.

“Why didn’t… you escape? Are you really that stupid or something – that window was your one last chance of freedom.”

She blushed. “You see… anyone that goes through this much trouble to spend time with me must really like me.”

I ran to the bathroom and vomited. How dare the tooth fairy come up with such an awful conclusion!

“Are you okay?” she said when I drifted back into the room.

“Let’s just get this straight. You’re a prisoner not a guest, not a friend, not a lover – just a prisoner.” I grinned. “A prisoner waiting on death row.” There was still no shriek or look of terror; she just blushed instead. 

“Sit down and await your death,” I said while retrieving the book of tooth fairy destruction. After a few minutes of reading, I closed it and looked up at her.

“I’m so hungry,” groaned the tooth fairy.

“Oh don’t worry about that,” I laughed, “you’ll be put out of your misery soon enough.” I opened my dresser and dug toward the depths until I finally had a good grasp on a diamond shaped object: a green crystal, the size of an orange, known as an emerite. According to the book, one touch from this gemstone should turn the tooth fairy into pixie dust. Her eyes instantly widened upon sight of it. Bingo – she had to be scared now (which means I didn’t totally waste my money buying this off the internet) – so I grinned.

“Oooh, pretty,” she awed, rearranging my previous thoughts. “Is it a gift? I love presents!”

I snickered. “Oh, it’s a gift alright, but before I eliminate you with it, do you have any last words?”

“What does eliminate mean? Does that mean like a kiss? Are you proposing to me with it?”

I face palmed. “No you idiot, this stone will destroy you.”

“Destroy? Why are you using such fancy words?” She smirked. “Are you like a teacher or something?”

Okay, at this point, I was WAY beyond frustrated. I was on the verge of just eliminating myself never mind her. “Will you please, please, PLEASE… shut up,” I managed to prevent myself from yelling.

“Oh I’m sorry – I just never had someone propose to me so suddenly before. My answer is...”

“I am not pr...”

“Yes.”

A grenade. I needed a grenade: One with an explosion that would blow my whole body to pieces so no one could ever find them. “This is not a proposal,” I growled. “Here – hurry and take the jewel. You must die immediately!”

Nothing happened when she held the jewel. Oh please God, why me? Seriously, why was it so hard to destroy a simple mythical creature? I opened the book once again.

“I can’t just give up,” I whispered. “I came this far.”

For hours, I followed a series of steps from within the book. Each of them failed. Salt, salted milk, silver bullet, silver bullet drink (don’t ask), incantations, water, pudding (once again, don’t ask), sand – absolutely nothing worked. Then I realized something. This emerite – it had to be counterfeit somehow. Either that or the tooth fairy was just invincible.

It was 3 AM now. I threw the book at the wall and stared at my enemy. She stroked the emerite, admiring its physical appearance. I hated the stupid thing – it was the most useless object ever and no way was the Ebay seller going to get good feedback. “I give up,” I said. “This is so impossible. You’re free to go.” She didn’t move. I opened the window and sighed. “Hurry – get out of here.” She still didn’t move. “Are you deaf or what? – finish making your rounds for tonight and go home. I’m done with this mythical destruction crap.”

“I won’t leave.”

The horror of it all. Okay, I failed to destroy her, but now, she won’t leave either. This had to be a nightmare. My archenemy – yes I declared her that – was refusing to go away? Has this world gone crazy and come to an end without letting me in on it?

“What did you just say? I’m sorry; I didn’t hear you properly?”

“I won’t leave,” the tooth fairy repeated, “We’re engaged. So there’s no way I’m leaving you ever, ever, ever.” Her blue eyes were slightly brighter than before. The moron.

The whole situation was now a total catastrophe. My original well thought out and researched plan had backfired on me terribly. What if I now turned out to be like one of those whackos who make multiple appearances on daytime television talk shows? I just gasped.

“I’m going to tell you one more time,” I said with a raised voice, while at the same time straining not to lose control. “You are free to go back to your tooth collecting life and putting cheap smiles on little kid’s faces with nothing more than small change. And touching rotten teeth too? – arrgh. Just get out of here!”

She folded her arms, frowned, and said, “No. I want to be here with you.”

Did I mention I hated the tooth fairy? Did I also mention that my sheets had to be burned?

I gave her my best “you’ve got to be kidding me” look and then said, “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“I can make you breakfast tomorrow – and … I’m still hungry.” 
     
“Urgh,” I whispered, thinking about the millions of teeth she’d touched as the tooth fairy. Then I asserted my voice. “Listen, if you don’t buzz off, I’m calling the cops. Now scram!”

“Your eyes are very pretty,” she said, completely ignoring my last threat. This was it – I had finally reached my limit. In fact, I didn’t know whether or not to be angry anymore. In the case that none of you reading my words get it, the tooth fairy is a serious threat to all humanity. Her stupidity is akin only to that of a turtle and the back of my slippers. Her hands – Yuck – never touch them! And worst of all, DO NOT attempt to destroy the tooth fairy because you will surely fail. I mean, she doesn’t even have the intelligence to figure out the meaning of the word “destroy.” I just didn’t know what to think anymore.

“So, you’re just going to let every child in the world down then are you?” In case you’re lost here, it was 4 AM now, and I had diverted to using my final and ultimate method of getting rid of her: The old ‘Guilt Routine’. She narrowed her eyes and looked down. I had her exactly where I wanted. Eating at her mind became a top priority now. “You know, I have a younger sister – she’s about eight – and she looks up to you. You heard her voice earlier. Are you going to let someone as innocent as that down? How about the other children too? Your job was to put a smile – God knows how – on their faces. Are you really going to be so selfish and stay here?” Tears streamed from her eyes. I’d nailed it! Now just a little more – before I start an accidental celebration dance. “You know, I dislike dishonest, selfish people who’d rather hang around a stranger’s home rather than fulfilling their duties. I really, really, hate that.”

She gasped.

“Fine,” she finally said. I bit my lip, hoping that I really had won. She edged closer to me. “I’ll help everyone the way I do, but only because you insisted. But then I will come back after I finish.” Her wings fluttered as she walked to the open window. Within seconds, she jumped out and there was no telling where she had gone.

I didn’t waste any more time sitting around. If I wanted true victory, then I had to keep her out of my life for good. So I did like any guy would do: I set anti-tooth fairy traps all over the place. After that, I sprayed the entire yard with a highly toxic tooth fairy repellent. (I love the products you can get from that majestic world known as the internet.)

By the time I was finished, it was 5 AM. I rushed back into my house, tiptoed into Caroline’s room and checked under her pillows. A shiny coin rested in the spot where her tooth had once resided. I tiptoed out of her room and back into mine. First thing: sheet washing. Her hands had been all over my sheets and despite the fact that I sanitized them with the most powerful stuff known to man, the old saying “better safe than sorry” still applied. So, after thirty minutes each in both the washer and the dryer, I was finally able to go to my bed.

Later that morning, the streaky light of the late morning’s sunrays snuck through my window and woke me. What I had hoped to be an amazing start for a new morning turned out to be the exact opposite. The tooth fairy was asleep, in my bed, with her hand resting on my face. It was like the apocalypse. I rushed into the bathroom, grabbed the nearest bar of soap, and probably washed my face about twenty thousand times before reappearing. How did she get back in here? There were hundreds of traps and repellents all over the place. I simply couldn’t win. Damn you Ebay!

Her eyes slowly opened. “Hi honey – you should lie down again and get more rest.”

Okay, so maybe this is a terrible ending, but that’s how I first encountered the tooth fairy. And do you know, the reason why I disliked her so much – other than the reasons I’ve already stated? – it is because… and don’t laugh here... I once lost a tooth when I was younger and in place of the mandatory shiny two bit coin, there was nothing left but a poxy “I owe you.” What the hell?

So ever since then, I had tripled my knowledge about this pathetic creature, and plotted day and night to have her destroyed. Truth be known, I couldn’t care less about the coin, but no one dares humiliate me like that and gets away with it.

Unfortunately though, after twenty odd years, it looks like I’m stuck with her now. I guess you could call this my punishment… So because of this, I’m going to write another story sometime and tell you guys how I finally did get rid of the tooth fairy (if I ever do so) or maybe… 


Maybe I’ll just end up telling you how truly grotesque life has been LIVING with such a dunce. Maybe one of you could help me get rid of her… Please somebody step forward. I may be “over-the-top,” with my reasoning here, but at least I’m being honest about it.




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Its my own fault really, its all about what I see in the world, and how it all translates for me.

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