A collection of short stories and journalistic commentaries depicting my simple life
and how I fit in with the modern day universe of our times

OMG, she’s really coming!!

OMG! OMG!! OMG!!! Just look at the state of the old bachelor pad... Maybe it’s time for a little well overdue spring cleaning around here.

So without any further consideration for the last 12 months worth of creepy crawlies the whole place receives a complete redecoration with the ubiquitous 2 coats of emulsion, glosses, and wallpapers to what I consider to be feature walls.

And having finally brightened up the place, it was time to get the old vacuum cleaner out which is really no better than a glorified suction pump and a pillow case for collecting the crap in. Turn it on and oh joy, it blows more dust around than it is capable of picking up... Eeeek

All curtains are washed, ironed and re-hung while still wet and the crusty old bedding was washed, rewashed, rewashed again, thrown out in despair and subsequently replaced.

This day also brought forth the joy of cleaning glass (Somebody shoot me). It seemed like a good idea at the time to have mirrored walls and ceilings but god what a struggle it has been getting rid of all the streaks!! And then there were all the windows and glass doors to polish off too.

And while still in the mood for washing, there was a 12 month old pile of used dinner pots to be tackled that had accumulated around the sink rendering the kitchen less than half of its natural size. Why did nobody tell me that plates don’t spin dry?

Today I got all manly and with the aid of assorted power tools, industrial abrasives and shot blasting equipment, it was finally time to tackle the internal cleaning of all the kitchen appliances. There was mould the size of trees growing in the grill pan and as for the microwave.... well let’s just say it is now capable of holding a whole chicken rather than just half a tin of soup.

Kitchen units were tackled too, being savagely stripped from their room and taken down to the local car wash for a full hot wax wash, rinse and curly perm. Fortunately they didn’t shrink and slotted back into place nicely.

This day I are mostly be working in the bathroom...

This included the much awaited finishing off of the installation of a less than satisfactory but cheap shower unit over the bath, drilling through the gas main while trying to run the electrics, fixing the gas main (because nobody likes a gas shower since Hitler had a go with them), finally sorting the electrics, finishing off the last remaining tile around said electrics and having a much welcomed wee.

And who’s stupid idea was an all white fully tiled bathroom I ask? It seems that every single speck of dust, streak and stray pubic hair just screams out for the attention of innocent passers by. Maybe net curtains would be a good idea too then.

Ok, in view of there being the remotest possibility of semi-naked bodies swanning around the place, net curtains probably are a good idea. And with that in mind, both the bedroom and bathroom windows were treated with said. For the rest of that night, a constant stream of random neighbours knocked on and were heard thanking me for my services to humankind in removing this unfortunate blotting of their landscapes.

Next, all solid floors were to be mopped so hard that their surfaces were rapidly fading and carpets were taken outside to be stoned to death by radical Christians in effort to rejuvenate them.

And with the place finally all clean and tidy, spick and span, ship shape and Bristol fashion, windows were opened to help relieve the place from the past year’s stale air, farts and miscellaneous body odours only to be greeted and replaced with an onslaught of barbeque fumes from the street partying jubilee celebrants gathered outside. Grrr

In a final bid to prove to the world that I actually am a fine upstanding citizen of clean and wholesome traits, I decided this day to have a bath. The rest of the night was therefore taken up in relieving said bath of the remnant, what can best be described as porridge, without having to call up the services of Dynorod drain doctors, Rentokil pest control and clerics of all denominations coming round to exorcise the bathroom.

And with the aid of industrial strength weed killers, teeth were polished to a finish comparable only to that of Liberace’s finest candelabras. Hair was raked into submission, mown to a more manageable length and rolled into place while all the edges were finished off with the aid of a 2 stroke engined garden strimmer.

Why when you get older does hair sprout from every orifice of your body (yes body)? Armed with a shave hook and blowlamp, bolt cutters and a pair of long nosed pliers this is how the last day of the countdown ends in old blighty. 

What more could a girl truly wish for?

Welcome ‘HOME’ Jodie xxx

Oh and one more thing.....

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  1. Stephen Dickson said...
    No it's not, and man that's a lot of effort for a woman.
    Andy Robinson said...
    shhh, don't tell anyone but I did none of this. Robcos Terrace is immaculate all the time :)
    dragonfly emerging said...
    dicko, he is more OCD than me with cleaning... his place was immaculate before he started cleaning...
    Samantha said...
    I am so glad I am not OCD...LOL
    Andy Robinson said...
    Me too, I was writing from Jodie's perspective LOL
    RuggerDucky said...
    Still, its a brilliantly written piece and made me laugh all the way through.
    Unknown said...
    You're gonna have to learn him to wash up Jodie... However at HIS AGE... you'd think he's a bit past it....... A+ for effort though Andy... I mean, you actually re-wallpapered, etc,,, well done...
    Anonymous said...
    Sweet Jesus.

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Its my own fault really, its all about what I see in the world, and how it all translates for me.

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