A collection of short stories and journalistic commentaries depicting my simple life
and how I fit in with the modern day universe of our times


As the pictured news article from the trusty old BBC states, you can pay 499 Euros and you'll get the chance to take off - and strip off - up in the air. And naked you'll stay until the plane touches down in a nudist colony place called Usedom, out on the Baltic coast. Yes you are now free to move around the plane cabin completely stark bollock naked.

Yes you read that right, and for those of you that may want or even need to know, it is indeed possible to partake in a NUDE FLIGHT to a naturist colony. 

OK, let's stop tittering like immature schoolboys now and think about why this is such a BAD, BAD, HORRIFICALLY BAD IDEA: Let's just think it through for a minute or two...

a) First off, can you imagine the scenes at the airport metal detectors? - "Sir, only take your belt off! Sir, I only asked you to take the belt off! Only the BELT sir!

b) Air Conditioning: Plane flights are very often COLD! You will therefore need to stay warm, and you're not going achieve that in bare skin are you now? Also the partaking gentlemen passengers may want to fully consider the consequences of prolonged coldness on their "down-belows", I mean no-one wants to spend the first three days of their dream holiday attempting to undo unwanted "shrinkage" do they?

c) How the hell are all these passengers going to get undressed in the confined space of an aeroplane fuselage, and if they should actually manage that, where are they going to put their clothes? There aren't exactly WARDROBES on board! Are they going to politely take turns as each undresses in the aisle space? And how long will that take them exactly? Someone's bound to get to the destination still FULLY CLOTHED (albeit with warm testicles), and having to arrive ashamed of their unwanted clothedness.

d) Those poor unfortunates with an aisle seat will at some point have someone's privates in their face as the overhead locker is accessed by their neighbouring nudists. What exactly is the protocol for when some bloke needs to rummage in the over-head above your seat? The clothed crotch adjacent to one's face is unpleasant enough, so imagine the horror of going face to face with some sun-withered member close up, just dangling there like an exhumed squirrel!

e) Have they even considered the risks involved during turbulence, with the possibility of the flight attendant inadvertently pouring scolding coffee into one's lap? And does anyone really want to witness the effect of "turbulent jiggling" on the larger breasted of the ladies? Mmm, maybe not as good an argument as I first thought but I'm sure that if you had to endure the proximity of a wobbly figure as mine you would have a better idea of what I meant. 

f) Then there's the vibrations running through the fuselage as the engines rumble you to your destination. Them vibrations have already had the blame for the arousal of certain passengers. What kind of orgy could this lead to while en-route then?

g) And finally, well for now anyway, what if they ever have to evacuate their stricken aircraft on the runway? Does anybody want to see that sort of spectacle on the evening news as they sit down for dinner? And what about the chafing on the escape chute, never mind the skid marks? 

No; I don't think they've thought this through at all!

Let's also hope that all these nudist types remember to shower before boarding and bring spare towels too; otherwise the airline is going to have to BURN all its blankets and pillows.


And as an aside, I think the flaw in the whole nudist argument was best put forward by Bernard Bresslaw in "Carry On Camping", when Sid James suggested that they spend their holidays at a nudist camp. 

"I don't know." says Bresslaw. 

"When I go on holiday I like to relax. And when I relax, I like to put my hands in my pockets. How am I going to do that with no pockets to put 'em in?"







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