A collection of short stories and journalistic commentaries depicting my simple life
and how I fit in with the modern day universe of our times

As the onset of climate change manifests itself once again in the UK this October with the budding of plants and the decline of "the Conservative Party are killing pensioners by not providing sufficient heating subsidies" headlines in the Daily Mail, I believe a dilemma has also arisen for a minority amongst us who may feel their whole raison d'etre to be challenged.

They are, of course, the young men who would strut the sub-zero streets of the more northern provincial cities of Britain in t-shirts, emphasising their heavily tattooed biceps however low the temperature (Note: these are not to be confused with their distant relation, the inner-city young black male in the woolly hat, worn throughout the extremes of the oppressive heat of the summer. I've no idea what's going on there.).

Anyway, it may already well be minus 5 in Newcastle, with the North Sea wind-chill factors dragging it down even further, but the geordie lads will still be out in nothing less than a football shirt, regardless of the unremitting misery they may be enduring, solely to demonstrate that they are real MEN. Every year, in testament to the fact, the north-east produces a series of "drunk man found dead in a t-shirt with hypothermia" stories, as the inebriated stalwarts attempt vainly to stagger the last mile home in the midst of the wildest possible snow storm.

What does any of this mean in the new era of the Meditteranean style winter though? Well not much really. Because in such mild weather, the choice to step out in a t-shirt just looks like you may have left your jacket in the car whilst nipping into the corner shop for a paper. The whole point is lost; it's like a karate expert forgoing the old breeze blocks and opting to chop through ice cream instead.

Never again is a woman going to think: "wow, look at that alpha male, he's exhibiting the very virility that I need to ensure that my offspring will not only survive, but thrive in just a t-shirt in the most rugged of winters, I will display myself to him and encourage him to copulate with me!"

Indeed, under the new warmer conditions, and the concomittant semiotic confusion that would arise from the vague new dress codes being set, such women may well begin to be distracted by other, less rugged, modes, like the duffel coat, or heaven forbid, the cardigan. 

This could have really serious consequences for the drinking classes, as the gene pool would become weakened as their women begin to forego the "knee-trembler" 'round the back of Harry Ramsden's world famous chippy, and elect for the more comfortable wooing of a night at Yates' Wine Lodge followed by some passionate slap & tickle in front of the nearest fire place somewhere in the suburbs.

And thus, an entire species of spotty, translucent-skinned herberts, raised on chips and brown ale will wither (not unlike their frozen penises) and die, whilst a less robust "continental" style of youth will emerge, with a penchant for coffee and conversation, in preferrence to the earlier traditions of ram-raiding and tribal street-brawling.

Oh yes my dear reader, global warming is going to have a much wider impact than you may think.



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Its my own fault really, its all about what I see in the world, and how it all translates for me.

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