I was in the bookshop next to Griffith University today, eruditely checking the latest titles, when I happened to notice the new influx of undergraduates, pert with their slim young limbs, enjoying the prolonged good weather in their scanty summer clothes.

Oh how I envy them, what with all their life ahead of them, full of youthful optimism, making new friends, discovering new places and opening up to new experiences (possibly with an older man they've met in a bookstore) and enjoying the beautiful things in life.

Anyway, there I was enjoying this vista of nubility, when my gaze shuddered to a screaming halt at the sight of an obese ginger-haired woman wearing.... No sorry, I can't bring myself to describe the scene although it did involve a shopping trolley. Anyway this optical assault was no less than visual pollution to someone gifted with such a discerning eye.

And yet this sideshow exhibit was not alone: you would not BELIEVE some of the people I saw walking about today. Talk about people of Walmart. Some were even unaccompanied and in full view of everybody! I even saw one man with a balding head that was too large for his body; wearing cheap spectacles; carrying his belongings in a carrier bag.

Now whenever I raise this subject, people tend to throw up their hands with opprobrium, and start raving on about human rights, diversity and the right to life, etc, so before you JUMP to any conclusions, please hear me out here!

Obviously, I'm not talking about licensing for ugly/unusual people, don't get me wrong. Well actually, yes I am, but it would be purely consensual.

Basically, a local government officer would interview those put forward and discuss why they had been referred (the office would be equipped with a choice of mirrors, and weighing scales as an aid to this process), and the pugs/weirdos, would be persuaded to do the socially decent thing, and accept a generous set of conditions dictating the hours which they would be recommended to be out. Obviously, there would be no right to appeal either, as some may be too stupid to know what's good for them, and we don't want to waste tax-payers' money in the courts now do we?

It's not like they don't know why they've been referred, and most of them, when alone at night, probably pray for someone to do something about it. (Like that werewolf chap who insists on being locked in the room). Take that ginger haired excuse for a lady for example: what was her appearance in public other than a cry for help?

Is this too much? Let's face it, it's their well-being that I'm thinking of. It can't be easy going through life being pointed-at and making milk go sour, when all they probably want to do is a twelve hour shift at a call centre. And with 24hr shopping there's no reason they can't gather with their own kind overnight, which is probably the way they like it. They're certainly more likely to find their own kind on the tills at that hour anyway.

Obviously, I'm not going to address the issue of sterilisation because that belongs to a whole other debate, but I think it would be worth putting it into the public arena.

Look, life has been cruel enough to these people, and who are we to prolong the misery. Write to your parliamentary candidate today, and make them see sense.

And I suppose if that doesn't work, we'll still have the option to riot in the streets, burn cars, invade the TV studios and declare parliament void until we get our way.