“Congratulations on your book!” ‎ ‎

“Your book's cover immediately caught my attention, it has a really great and compelling, cinematic feel.” ‎ 

‎

“I really like the direction and atmosphere you're going for. It already sounds engaging.”

‎‎”Your book caught our attention! And we'd love to learn more about the story and inspiration behind it.”

“We’d love to feature your book on our page, as well as in our Amazon and Goodreads discussion communities, helping you connect with more readers and gain greater visibility.”

“We'd be delighted to feature you in an Author's Q & A with our reading community, giving our readers an opportunity to discover the person behind the book, hear about your creative journey, and learn what inspired you to bring this story to life.”

“We’re currently inviting authors to participate in our (Enter month of choice here) Author Spotlight. Your book could be a great fit for our reader community. And it's a great way to introduce your work to new readers while creating a more personal connection with your audience.”

And now, bearing in mind my book’s title, for a bit of irony:

I’m actually taking and using a quote from a movie to answer you guys with: Taken from the movie Pulp Fiction where Jimmie (played by Quentin Tarantino) snaps at Jules (Samuel L. Jackson):

"I don't need you to tell me how fucking good my coffee (book) is, okay? I'm the one who buys (wrote) it. I know how good it is (I spent months blood sweat and tears…ing over it). When Bonnie goes shopping, she buys shit. I buy (write) the gourmet expensive stuff because when I drink (read) it, I want to taste (believe in) it."

“But authors rarely get a second chance to make a first impression with new readers.”

“Now that your book is live, the biggest challenge is getting it in front of the right readers.”

‎‎”What you need next is:

A cinematic book trailer

An Audio Book version

A full marketing and launch strategy

A KDP Specialist to optimise your listings and bring them to the fore

Letting loose on all our followers for added exposure

‎‎Interested in being featured? “They’re all great ways to turn attention into actual readers. Would you be open to seeing a quick example of how this could look for your book? Capture attention, spark curiosity, and make people want to learn more about your story.”

No, No, No, No, NO!

What I really want, is for you guys to actually go buy and read a copy of my book before you start telling me what it needs.

You know, the book that holds the story about the writer who thought he needed exposure for his book regardless of the consequences but quickly learned how wrong he was. The story about how a barrage of compliments (just like those at the top of this post) regularly preceded further direction and cost to the original manuscript. The story about how Hollywood was blindly guided by what they thought the story needed. The very same story that has been referenced on the last 40 posts of this very blog. Yes all the TLDR posts that came before this one. Notice any parallels yet?

And now let me tell you what your cut and paste (something even I can do, as proved right here) complimentary comments are really telling me:

Dear Author,

I saw your post (or my computer did through an alert system) just now on whatever channel it was and immediately assumed you must be desperate for exposure and or sales. So, I am now sending this, auto-responder based, cheap punt on you wanting to buy into my lazily offered, I really can't be bothered services, DESPITE the fact I have shown no real interest in your product at all. I take great pride in knowing that any future relationship we may build together isn’t even worth an initial investment of $20 on my part.

And then, you have the audacity to ask me to chase you up. So maybe I will one day. Maybe I won't. But let me first warn you, I’ve been self-employed since leaving school fifty years ago and have probably forgotten more about marketing, sales and promotion than you could ever learn me (he says feigning his ignorance like you already feigned an interest).  At 64 years of oldness, my writing is just a hobby I enjoy sharing and not a stand alone source of income. 

In fact, I think I can honestly say…

"When I want your opinion guys, I’ll give it to you."

And in the meantime, anyone out there with a serious agenda of their own to push, If you can recite, word for word, the full contents of the second paragraph on page ninety-seven of my book:

The Book’s a Lot Better Than the Movie

Then and only then, when we both have a vested interest in said book and its future, I’ll be more than happy to then seriously consider your pitch for you. You can accept your receipt for said book purchase as an official invite to do so.

Please feel free to DM me for more elaborate details (Email address can be found on copyright notice page). Buy the bloody book!!