AN OPEN LETTER TO THE 8 BILLION PEOPLE OF THE EARTH, WHO STILL HAVEN'T BOUGHT MY BOOK.

Dear Humanity,

We really need to talk.

I've been patient.

I've been understanding.

I've even resisted the temptation to stand outside shopping centres screaming at strangers.

But enough is enough.

There are approximately EIGHT BILLION people on this planet.

Eight. Billion.

That's eight thousand million potential customers, excluding those who cannot read, those who are currently deceased, and people who believe the Earth is flat, although frankly, I'm still prepared to negotiate with that last group.

And yet, despite this extraordinary pool of prospective literary enthusiasts, an alarming number of you have still failed to purchase my novel.

THE BOOK'S A LOT BETTER THAN THE MOVIE.

I find this behaviour deeply troubling.

What exactly are you all doing?

Eating?

Sleeping?

Working?

Spending money on electricity, groceries and other frivolous luxuries?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU ALL? PRIORITIES, PEOPLE.

I didn't spend countless hours hunched over a keyboard, developing fictional characters with more interesting lives than my own, just so you could wander about buying avocados, subscribing to only fans profiles and keeping your mortgages up to date.

Do you have any idea how much emotional damage goes into writing a novel?

I've killed characters I loved.

I've saved characters I despised.

I've spent entire afternoons deciding whether a fictional man should raise his left eyebrow or his right.

I've argued with imaginary people and LOST.

At one point, I even became emotionally invested in the future of a fictional bookshop. Not to mention that damned bell.

AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

You've gone to Bunnings.

You've bought an air fryer.

You've watched seventeen consecutive episodes of a television programme about people renovating bathrooms while screaming at each other.

But have you bought my book?

NO, GREGORY. YOU HAVEN'T. AND NEITHER HAVE YOU KAREN!

And don't think I haven't noticed, because I sure as hell did.

Now, I appreciate that some of you may be experiencing financial difficulties.

Others may be living in remote regions without reliable internet access.

Some may be new-born infants who have yet to develop the necessary motor skills to successfully navigate Amazon.

EXCUSES. ALL OF THEM!!

My novel tells the story of a struggling bookseller whose beloved manuscript falls into the hands of Hollywood, where it is subjected to the creative wisdom of executives who couldn't successfully adapt a shopping list without adding a car chase, three explosions and a romantic subplot involving a helicopter and a botox enhanced pair of lips.

It's a story about ambition, dreams, betrayal, resilience, artistic integrity and the breath-taking stupidity of people who earn considerably more money than they deserve.

In other words, it's practically a documentary on the entertainment industry.

And it's available now on AMAZON.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0645493953

Not hidden in a cave.

Not buried beneath an ancient temple.

Not guarded by a three-headed dragon demanding the answer to a riddle.

AMAZON.

The same place you bought that rechargeable electric potato peeler you used once before putting it in a drawer.

You know how to find it. You've been there before.

Now, I'm not threatening anyone here, I'm simply pointing out that I have a keyboard, an internet connection, a deeply questionable sense of humour and apparently far too much free time.

This situation could become considerably more embarrassing for everyone involved.

Imagine the headlines.

LOCAL AUTHOR FORCED TO GET REAL JOB AFTER EIGHT BILLION PEOPLE REFUSE TO COOPERATE.

YOU DIDN'T BUY MY BOOK IN ORDER TO MAKE ME JUST AN UNDER-APPRECIATED AUTHOR RATHER THAN JUST UNEMPLOYED.

Do you want that on your conscience?

DO YOU?

Do you want to be responsible for me having to attend meetings, wear sensible trousers and use phrases like "circling back" and "leveraging synergies"?

Of course you don't.

You're better people than that.

I hope.

So here's what I propose.

You buy my book.

I stop publicly questioning the moral integrity of the entire human race.

See, it's a win win for everyone.

And if you've already purchased a copy, thank you. You are clearly a person of extraordinary intelligence, impeccably good taste and suspiciously good breeding.

Now please leave me an Amazon review. There's a good chap.

Five stars would be ideal.

Anything less will be interpreted as a cry for help.

So, in summary...

THE BOOK'S A LOT BETTER THAN THE MOVIE

Available NOW on Amazon.

Buy it. Read it. Recommend it.

Or simply buy a copy and leave it prominently displayed in your home so visitors can at least think that you're cultured.

I'm an independent author.

I DON'T NEED ALL EIGHT BILLION OF US TO BUY MY BOOK.

Just seven billion, nine hundred and ninety-nine million, nine hundred and ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine of you.

I already bought myself a copy.

So...

Yours in an increasingly desperate narrative perspective or philosophical stance that highlights hope, human resilience, moral growth, or a positive future...

Andy Robinson. Author, eternal optimist, and apparently the only person on Earth who fully understands the urgency of this situation.

Or

Andy Robinson. A writer without autism, dyslexia, ADHD, or even OCD, who has been recently diagnosed with FOMO.

P.S. Please share this post. I don't have the time to personally disappoint eight billion people.

P.P.S. If Jeff Bezos happens to be reading this, I believe we need to discuss your company's apparent failure to make 'our' new book highly visible and me, the author, spectacularly wealthy.

P.P.P.S. Gregory, I know you're still here. Buy the bloody book!!

#TheBooksALotBetterThanTheMovie #AndyRobinson #IndieAuthor #BookHumour #AmazonBooks #SupportIndependentAuthors #LiteraryMeltdown

[NEWS PROGRAMME INTRO MUSIC — suitably important and unnecessarily dramatic]

ANDY ROBINSON:

Good evening.

I interrupt your regularly scheduled internet scrolling to bring you a really important development from the world of literature.

A new book has been published!

Authorities are describing the situation as “fairly normal, actually,” although the author has asked us not to dwell on that for too long.

The book in question is The Book’s a Lot Better Than the Movie, a novel about Localad, a sixty-four-year-old bookseller who spends twenty years writing his masterpiece.

Which is admirable.

It is also an extremely inefficient use of twenty years.

I mean, the Sydney Opera House only took fourteen.

His novel, Purradise, is a sweeping fantasy involving cats, fallen knights, singing mountains, grief, courage, a brave warrior named Jasmine and a mysterious Wound in the sky.

Then Hollywood discovers it.

And this is where conditions deteriorate rapidly...

A producer loves the manuscript.

The studio buys the movie rights.

Localad goes to Hollywood. Just like Frankie did forty years earlier. 

And several highly paid people immediately begin 'improving' his story until almost none of the original storyline remains.

There are meetings.

There are notes.

There are rewrites.

There is market research.

There is an all-action hero star.

And somewhere along the way, the delicate emotional heart of Localad's twenty-year masterpiece is apparently beaten to death with a demographics report.

The resulting movie is released.

It is enormous.

It is expensive.

Things explode.

Critics use words such as a “spectacle”, which is frequently what critics say when they are trying very hard not to say “Oh dear.”

But then something rather unexpected happens.

People discover the original book.

And they like it.

Quite a lot, actually.

Which leads to an increasingly dangerous idea spreading fast across the internet:

The book’s a lot better than the movie.

[ANDY PAUSES. AND LOOKS TOWARD SCREEN.]

Which, rather conveniently, is also the book's title.

Marketing experts have described this as either “excellent branding” or “an author getting away with something.”

The novel is mildly funny, warm, occasionally ridiculous and just possibly has something to say about creativity, success, failure, Hollywood, books, the whole writing process and what happens when people with PowerPoint presentations are allowed anywhere near art.

[ANDY NOW LEANS SLIGHTLY TOWARD CAMERA.]

And, in a relatively disturbing development for journalism, I should now really fully disclose that I actually wrote it.

So truth be known, this entire news report has been nothing more than a shameless advertisement for my latest novel.

Of course, there will be an inquiry.

And I intend to cooperate fully.

And in the meantime, The Book’s a Lot Better Than the Movie is available now on Amazon.

Buy yourself a copy.

Read it.

And if Hollywood calls afterwards...

for heaven’s sake, don’t answer the phone.

[SERIOUS NEWSREADER NOD.]

I’m Andy Robinson.

Good reading and...

Good night.

[NEWS OUTRO MUSIC]

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0645493953

IT'S SO MUCH MORE THAN A BOOK...

It's a deceptively rectangular shaped object containing several thousand carefully arranged words, created when a person voluntarily sacrifices their sleep, sanity, social interaction, and a perfectly serviceable amount of their remaining lifespan in order to manufacture imaginary people with imaginary problems, set in imaginary exotic backgrounds, before spending four further months correcting all the commas.

A book is communication, traditionally constructed from paper, ink, caffeine, self-doubt, existential dread and one inexplicably troublesome chapter of blood, sweat and tears. A book exists primarily to transport the reader into another world while its author remains behind, staring nervously at sales figures and wondering why nobody has left a review yet.

Books are instrumental. They have toppled governments, started religions, ended relationships, inspired revolutions, educated civilizations and provided humanity with something impressive-looking to put on shelves behind them during video calls for years now.

In its most advanced form, a book may also be adapted into a major motion picture, at which point approximately 63% of its plot is savagely removed, 22% is re-written, and somebody who never had one previously, is given a sword prior to a gender reassignment. Along with an explosion or two being added to Chapter Three for good measure.

And it's probably at this stage when the audience eventually mutters:

“THE BOOK'S A LOT BETTER THAN THE MOVIE.”

Available Now at Amazon