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10 years ago
Whilst reading a morning paper over lunch just the other day… the perfect accompaniment to a salad sandwich and a coffee… I had to make a mental check that it wasn’t April 1st all over again.
Because according to a full-page article on page 21, criminals have now come up with a new, more ingenious way to rob holidaymakers.
Have you ever considered committing a heist on a Wallace Arnold coach? Or indeed any other coach for that matter? I thought not, but if you ever did, what you need to do first is recruit an accomplice who’s a dwarf!
I sense a little puzzlement coming from you.
Allow me to explain…
First you book yourself on to a coach trip. Next, you put your newly recruited dwarf into a suitcase, and get it loaded into the cargo hold of the coach. As you now see, the reason for your accomplice’s diminutive stature is becoming all too apparent.
Now… once the journey is under way, your pet dwarf simply unzips himself from the suitcase, rifles through everyone’s luggage, nicks all their valuables and gets back into your case before the end of the journey.
At the other end, you pick up your case (kindly unloaded for you by the driver) and make off with the booty and the dwarf in tow. Next you release your dwarf and tip him upside down by his ankles to empty the loot from all his pockets.
As simple as that!!
I’m often somewhat reluctantly impressed by the enterprise and ingenuity displayed by so many of today’s criminals in their quest to make any form of ill-gotton gain. But I’m also more than a little depressed by it too – partly because there are always victims to any crime, and partly because the ‘rewards’ are often so small compared to the risks taken of being caught. The enterprise and ingenuity are often both misdirected and wasted.
I mean, there are plenty of perfectly legal and ethical ways to make money which don’t infringe on anyone else’s rights, and don’t run the risk of a spell of involuntary confinement.
If the criminals who come up with these plans were to direct their undoubted skills along more legal lines, I’m convinced they’d make themselves a small fortune, and never again wake in a cold sweat over an encounter in the showers with an 18 stone bodybuilder called ‘Knuckles’. But maybe that’s not the point.
Maybe the thrill is the thing… and not the reward.
Well personally, I’d take the reward every time – and try to get the thrill somewhere else.
But then, after watching the news last night, I see that police have just raided 17 addresses in Slough yesterday, and found small children as young as two, being smuggled in from Eastern Europe to be trained up as criminals.
And suddenly it all becomes remarkably clear... obviously, there just aren’t enough dwarves to go around!
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