2 years ago
Armed with all the day’s morning tabloids, it was time for me to check out my horror-scope and see what the rest of the day had in store for me. As usual though they were full of meaningless half truths and drivel, so I got to thinking how hard can this lark actually be and gave it a go myself.
So with that fully in mind, please check out my results, I think you’ll be amazed at how accurate I have been...
I now present, your horror-scope for the day, Monday 7th of February 2011, form my very own insightful monthly readings. You may now call me the brilliant astrologer, Psychic Bert.
Aquarius (20 JAN – 19 FEB):
A trillion ton lump of gas 40,000 light years away will dictate how well your blind date will go this week. Like flip it will.
Pisces (20 FEB – 20 MAR):
In a world without rules, when humanity is on the brink of survival and all hope rests in the hands of one individual, I really, really hope to Christ it isn’t you.
Aries (21 MAR – 19 APR):
Scented candles, soft music and satin sheets are just three of the reasons why you’re no longer allowed to practice gynaecology.
Taurus (20 APR – 20 MAY):
This week you should venture to pop into your local B&Q warehouse and ask the staff to give you a list of valid reasons why they think they are so better looking than you.
Gemini (21 MAY – 20 JUN):
Kids may well say the funniest things but yours just tend to scream at ear splitting volume about wanting some juice. And thank you for bringing them to the pub, by the way. Do you mind if I give them one of my cigarettes?
Cancer (21 JUN – 22 JUL):
You pay good money to be whipped senseless by a burly, chain smoking woman and you’re branded a pervert. A Pope does it when he’s supposed to be Popeing and he’s nominated for sainthood. Funny old world isn’t it?
Leo (23 JUL – 22 AUG):
You are a valued colleague who gets the job done, never complains, respects the executive team and has complete faith in their judgement. What’s the rent like in Chump City?
Virgo (23 AUG – 22 SEP):
The onset of British Summer Time sees you in a jauntier mood this week as you reduce the tog number of the duvet you hide beneath while sobbing uncontrollably.
Libra (23 SEP – 23 OCT):
The best laid plans of mice and men often go astray, although it has to be said that the mouse is currently making a considerably better fist of things than you are.
Scorpio (24 OCT – 21 NOV):
Some company on the television apparently wants to make your £20,000 of debt magically disappear and they don’t seem to want a penny in return. Isn’t that nice of them?
Sagittarius (22 NOV – 21 DEC):
You have a busy work and social life, with your duties as a magistrate, Sunday League referee and chair of your local neighbourhood watch. So why not take an hour every now and then to mind your own chuffing business.
Capricorn (22 DEC – 19 JAN):
This week a ghastly man will knock on your door and ask if they can count on your vote in the upcoming election. Jupiter rising reckons you should respond to all his points by saying “That’s amazing,” in a really camp voice.
So there it is. Have a great month and remember, it’s all written in the stay luckyish
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