A collection of short stories and journalistic commentaries depicting my simple life
and how I fit in with the modern day universe of our times

Crisis hit middle classes to sell their children

Children from across the whole of the UK are being spruced up and placed on the open market today as millions of middle class parents look towards cutting their losses.

As the government abolished child benefit for people on more than £44,000 a year, economists said middle class youngsters would no longer generate an acceptable yield for all but the most cautious of investors.

Julian Crook, of Donelly MacFartingles, said, “Fifteen years ago a decent British child was delivering four to four and a half per cent a year. But inflation has steadily eaten away at it and now this move by the government has turned them into the sentient mammal version of junk bonds.

If you have a tall or short child then you have a good chance of attracting a Russian buyer. They’re always on the look-out. They’re cash rich and always need sparring partners for their goons.”

For Sale !!

He also added: “I’ll be liquidating my three teenagers and transferring about 45% into international zinc, 25% into Chinese tobacco and I’ll spend whatever’s left on a new lawnmower.”

Under Offer !!

Emma Bradford, mother of 1 year old Duncan said, “He’s a delightful little boy. Indeed, there have been several occasions when he has come tantalisingly close to making me happy.

We’ve set an asking price of £17,500 which may seem a lot but he has a fine set of lungs and he oozes ‘Olde Worlde’ charm. We’ll take £10,500 and a decent second hand horse box if push comes to shove.”

SOLD ! To the highest bidder !!

And Thomas Lord, an estate agent (BOO!!) from Wisbech, is also selling his 12 year old Abigail on a freehold.

“She’s a happy go lucky child and she comes with her own trombone. She’d make an excellent weekend daughter for a pair of busy professionals or a full time grand-daughter for a retired couple who want to have another crack at it.

I also reckon you could do up her teeth for less than six grand.”

What memories are made of...

So there you have it. Our look at the crumbling state of the not so Great British family, as we see it today.

Maybe now would be a decent time for a good old fashioned family portrait, before the supermarket chains governed by advertising restrictions galore, have to print, For Illustration Purposes Only, across the front of them.

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