2 years ago
Crisis hit middle classes to sell their children
Children from across the whole of the UK are being spruced up and placed on the open market today as millions of middle class parents look towards cutting their losses.
As the government abolished child benefit for people on more than £44,000 a year, economists said middle class youngsters would no longer generate an acceptable yield for all but the most cautious of investors.
Julian Crook, of Donelly MacFartingles, said, “Fifteen years ago a decent British child was delivering four to four and a half per cent a year. But inflation has steadily eaten away at it and now this move by the government has turned them into the sentient mammal version of junk bonds.
If you have a tall or short child then you have a good chance of attracting a Russian buyer. They’re always on the look-out. They’re cash rich and always need sparring partners for their goons.”
For Sale !!
He also added: “I’ll be liquidating my three teenagers and transferring about 45% into international zinc, 25% into Chinese tobacco and I’ll spend whatever’s left on a new lawnmower.”
Under Offer !!
Emma Bradford, mother of 1 year old Duncan said, “He’s a delightful little boy. Indeed, there have been several occasions when he has come tantalisingly close to making me happy.
We’ve set an asking price of £17,500 which may seem a lot but he has a fine set of lungs and he oozes ‘Olde Worlde’ charm. We’ll take £10,500 and a decent second hand horse box if push comes to shove.”
SOLD ! To the highest bidder !!
And Thomas Lord, an estate agent (BOO!!) from Wisbech, is also selling his 12 year old Abigail on a freehold.
“She’s a happy go lucky child and she comes with her own trombone. She’d make an excellent weekend daughter for a pair of busy professionals or a full time grand-daughter for a retired couple who want to have another crack at it.
I also reckon you could do up her teeth for less than six grand.”
What memories are made of...
So there you have it. Our look at the crumbling state of the not so Great British family, as we see it today.
Maybe now would be a decent time for a good old fashioned family portrait, before the supermarket chains governed by advertising restrictions galore, have to print, For Illustration Purposes Only, across the front of them.
Some of my more popular posts
“So there I was standing in the shower, practically naked, kissing my best friend and secret crush and I couldn’t help but think it was th...
I've just read yet another newspaper article about the threat of global warming. And last night on TV. Al Gore was warning that it'...
He will dutifully return to his cell. The door will shut, his small cage will darken. He will lie down and try to rest, desperately tryi...
She slid up close next to David, careful not to tear her silk skirt on the old park bench. It was a cold night and she knew that what she ...
I’ve been quite busy recently... I think I mentioned my ever increasing to do lists, and that they have taken up a lot of time. And as a ...
Inspired by a sign I have just read at the local hospital A and E department, I had to rush home (after my treatment of course) and write ...
I went to a funfair quite recently, and noticed that at most of the stalls there, it was quite difficult to win anything. The ‘games of sk...
Back in the day when I was a fully fledged, cards in wage slave, I was actually sacked from my first job. And if the mentor in my new job ...
"Hello, good evening and bollocks." Many hundreds of years ago, when dinosaurs wandered the Earth and I was in my youth, I would...
God looked down into the sink before him and wiped his hands free of dish water. Staring solemnly into its murky depths as the water swirl...