A collection of short stories and journalistic commentaries depicting my simple life
and how I fit in with the modern day universe of our times


Letting agents finally outdo Estate agents

The recent mortgage drought due to this latest global recession has forced record numbers to place their slender hopes of maintaining a fixed address into the claw like hands of letting agencies, who are now determined to exploit their new status as the dominant sub-species of grimy spiv. A role traditionally held by that of the estate agent here in the UK.

Stephen Malley, associate director of deliberate awkwardness at the letting agency Badmove, said: “For decades now, estate agents have been hogging all of the revilement and loathing for themselves, and it's high time we had a piece of the action.”

You see, lettings agents up until now, have not even been properly stereotyped, they were just those vaguely grubby non-entities with cheap shoes and big bunches of keys that never even turned up on time.

But times, they are a changing...

Well, you’re not going to get a mortgage this side of the twenty eighth century are you now? So they find themselves (the letting agents) justifiably bathed in the golden glow of their own ‘perfect moment’.

So kneel now before their awesomely demanding application processes, which require references from at least two dead family members, the leader of a global religion, the head of a banking dynasty and a kestrel.

Then of course there’s the small matter of nine year’s rent in advance, and a monstrous deposit that’s theirs the moment you leave a buttock imprint on the Palitoy-quality furniture.

Oh, and they’ll also need a guarantor. It’s just a formality mind but if you should ever fall behind on the rent they’ll be there to take you guarantor's house, car and major functioning organs. But don't worry, you can usually fake your Granny’s signature for that part.

Moving forward.

“Soon we shall have all the branded sports hatchbacks and offices full of see-through objects with Groove Armada playing on a high quality stereo. Estate agents, for so long our masters, will be nothing.” Says Stephen. “NOTHING!!”

And not wanting to pass up on an opportunity, he added, “Our current properties include a one bedder in rural Bacup which smells a lot of horses and a very tidy maisonette with no windows and a faint atmosphere of past tragedies. Sign here, here, here and there!”

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