A collection of short stories and journalistic commentaries depicting my simple life
and how I fit in with the modern day universe of our times


I heard my wife screaming from the within the bathroom.  Every pore, every orifice, every organ in my body instantly tightened.  Without thinking, I leapt to my feet, entirely naked, and ran to the bathroom from my bed.  I stood in the doorway quickly scanning the room.  

There was my wife pressed hard against the shower door pointing across the room to just above her sink.  It was frightening.  The most terrifying thing I had ever seen in my life. There on the mirror was the biggest spider I had ever seen. This sucker was fucking huge. It was bigger than some of my wife's tops. And it was looking right over at me.

I made strong eye contact with it. Of course, I would have to kill it.  And lest I forget what was required of me, my wife yelled across the room, "Kill it! Kill it!"
I didn't want to be duped by the size of my prey. Usually the bigger they are the slower they are, but spiders are still pretty fast when they want to be. And a spider that had lived long enough to get that big ... must be pretty smart, too.

So there we were in the bathroom, hunter and hunted together. We just stared at each other for a couple minutes. I feigned to the left, he didn't even flinch. He knew it was a feint. "He's good," I muttered, not too loud in case he heard me.

I lunged forward and he leapt. Straight sideways. I barely saw him move but suddenly he was over my sink. Then without provocation, he leapt back over to his original position. I must have looked a little shocked, because he suddenly stood a little taller. I swear I saw a smile. He was showing off.

Now, I know he's no match for me. He knows he's no match for me.  After all, he's a common house spider: no venom. The bite might hurt, itch for a while, but he couldn’t kill me if he bit me non-stop for the rest of the month.  It's not like he was a Brown Recluse or Black Widow or anything like that. But there's the icky-creepy factor. All spiders know that at the end of the day they scare people because they're icky-creepy and damned ugly to boot. And the only thing worse than touching the beastie, was going to be getting their blood-and-guts all over me.

At this point, he clearly had the upper hand, and knew it. Wifey was screaming the house down, becoming more and more irate at me and less and less on my side.

Then I grabbed the kleenex.

He shuddered. Mr Incey Wincey now knew that obviously, I wasn't going away. The kleenex had instantly and dramatically reduced the icky-creepy feeling, I didn't need to touch it anymore. I wouldn't even have to wash my hands afterward. Simply squish and down the toilet he goes.

I could see a small bead of sweat forming on his forehead. His whole body sank. I took a quick step towards him and lifted my arm, he jiggled back-and-forth with his numerous eyes darting furtively, not knowing which way to go. He was obviously rattled. He was mine. 

But then in one brave showing, he stood up higher and stared me right in the eye.

Yes, his legs were shaking, he knew his days were numbered, but bluster he did anyway. Almost Churchillian in its defiance against all of the odds against him, he looked proud.

I thought, "Maybe there's another way for this brave adversary." I glanced up at the window over the mirror, it was closed. And with a higher level of respect for him I slowly moved around his right maintaining my distance. He scurried away just a little, but not too far.

I reached up, opened the window, and stepped back. He hesitated. I could see he was fearful that I may just be toying with him, but he nevertheless started towards the window. As he got halfway there he now realized he could get to the window before I could get to him, and he took off.

As he left through the opened window, he stopped and looked back at me. We stared at each other for a moment. He seemed to lift one of his legs in a salute. I felt I had made an ally. Or at least I had earned the respect of an enemy. Perhaps he will warn all others -- this naked man cannot be frightened away.

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  1. stephie said...
    lol good last line! and nice use of the word Churchillian !
    Dandy said...
    Excellent, almost perfect, short, funny, situational humor and even a happy ending for all. Even P.G. Woodhouse would have been impressed. You have a gift use it, get your short stories like this published. You will surely make a great success story.

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