A collection of short stories and journalistic commentaries depicting my simple life
and how I fit in with the modern day universe of our times


You know you're Australian if…

* You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.

* You're liable to burst out laughing whenever you hear of Americans "rooting" for something.

* You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.

* You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bun'.

*You believe the letter 'L' in the word 'Australia' is optional.

* You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas.'

* You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with giant bananas, prawns, lobsters, oysters and sheep.

* You call your best friend 'a total b#stard' but someone you really truly despise is just 'a bit of a b#stard'.

* You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.

* You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.

* You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.

* You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'.

* You believe that cooked down spent beer yeast makes a good breakfast spread. You've also squeezed it through Vita-Wheats to make little Vegemite worms.

* You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.

* Beetroot with your Hamburger... Of course.

* You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again' and "Living next door to Alice ".

* You believe that the confectionery known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.

* You wear Ugg boots outside the house.

* You believe that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance.

* You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them.

* Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language.

* You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, while 'scuse me' is always polite.

* You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.

* You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle and a seat belt buckle becomes a pretty good branding iron.

* Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.

* You shake your head in horror when foreign owned companies try to market what they call 'Anzac cookies'.

* You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'.

* If working at a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order a low-alcohol beer.

* You know how to abbreviate every word, all of which usually end in "o" arvo, combo, garbo, kero, lezzo, metho, milko, muso, rego, servo, smoko, speedo, righto, goodo etc.

* You know that there is a universal faraway place called "woop woop" located in the middle of nowhere.

* You know that none of us actually drink Fosters beer, because it tastes like sh#t. But we let the world think we do, because we can.

* You have some time in your life slept with Aeroguard on in the summer.

* You've only ever used the words - tops, ripper, sick, mad, rad, sweet to mean good. And you place 'bloody' in front of it when you REALLY mean it.

* You know that the barbecue is a political arena, the person holding the tongs is always the boss and usually a man and that women always make the salads.

* You say 'no worries' quite often, whether you realise it or not.

* You understand what no "wucking furries" or "no wuckers" means.

* You have sucked tea, coffee or Milo through a Tim Tam biscuit.

* You own a Bond's chesty, in several different colours.

* You know that roo meat tastes pretty good, but not as good as barra or a meat pie.

* You know that some people pronounce Australia like "Straya" and that's ok.

And lastly, you will immediately forward this list to other Australians knowing that only they will fully understand it.

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  1. Staci Finch Thompson said...
    Well, the seat belt/steering wheel one also applies to Texas. Great post, even if I didn't understand half of it.
    Andy Robinson said...
    I got most of it down. Just a couple I need to look into now. Eeek how scary is that?
    dragonfly emerging said...
    I have just finished translating the rest to him Staci... we aussies have a language all our own... just get the wombat and gpa in a thread with coach and I have trouble understanding them
    Stephen Dickson said...
    Add the beetroot thing to the one directly above it.

    Bloody Aussies!!
    Slinky said...
    Ok i understood a total of about 2 things of that list.
    Wocket said...
    Dont forget the "Black Stump"... its not the edge of the world but ya can see it from there !

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Its my own fault really, its all about what I see in the world, and how it all translates for me.

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